My Body Project

In March of this year (2012) after having a conversation with my good friend Bri, I thought I would be a brave soul and take a photo of my belly, covered in stretchmarks and not toned and share it with my online Pinterest followers. It was hard at first to see my belly floating around the interwebs. Would people be grossed out, laugh, judge? I really didn't receive any feedback just a few shares and positive feedback from my friends. So that got me thinking....It wasn't that big of a deal! I could really inspire others with my story.

I then began throwing around ideas of starting my own Body Project. I don't know where I got the idea. But basically, I want to talk about how wonderful my body is. I want to talk about how it carries me from one place to the next. How my body is capable of holding my boys and hugging my friends. This is who I am. I want to love my body for how it is. I want to talk positively about my features and my strengths.
What is something about my body that I love?
(wow, I just got choked up. This is harder than I expected)
I guess, I love my well, shit. This is tough. I thought I would be able to easily start talking about my most favorite features. I can easily start thinking about what I hate about myself. wow________________

Let's try this again:
What is something I love about my body?
I love my shoulders. I love how they are rounded and strong. I love my collarbone too.

I love that my breasts fed my boys for the first years of their lives. That I have a body that can accommodate children. I love the color of my eyes and the length of my lashes. I love my waist and my smooth skin. I love that I can easily find a foundation color, all I have to do is grab the lightest one in the store.



__________ALRIGHT_______
That seemed pretty okay. I am smiling now. I feel pretty good. Much better than thinking and talking about my "not so favorite" features.
I decided that I would also take a photo of me. Just me. Nothing fancy. No makeup (only "remnants" from the day before). Hair not styled. Bare bones. This is me. No lies here.

Honestly, I am hesitating putting up the photo. If I do that, I can't go back. (What will people think? That I am conceited, vain, a slut, desperate, ugly, brave, noble, heroic)
From now on when someone sees me, they will know my secrets. They will know that I have love handles, luscious thighs, stretch marks, and child bearing hips.
--BUT---What if I can help one person cope with body acceptance.... What if one person can learn from me.... Learn to love themselves. 

I ask you....
What do you LOVE about your body?!
Can you share them with me, right now!?
Can you share them with your friends, family?
Can you write them on your mirror to remind yourself that you are whole? You are complete HOW YOU ARE! You are not anyone else. You will never be. This is your ONE chance to love you where you are NOW and never look back.


Look in the mirror and say: I love my body, it is strong, it is mine and I will care for it from this day forward.

Welppp, there I am...
Love you guys. xoxo

Has It Been a Year Already?

Wow. I have been 27 for almost a month now and have been meaning to write something, anything on my blog.
It has been a year since my post about how I have left behind the Christian faith. (READ HERE)
I would love to share where I am with you all.

I feel that as we all grow we start to see life much differently than our parents did. We control how we see our reality. We no longer have someone thinking for us, dictating for us how to live, where to go, what to eat or what to believe. It is at this point that we come to a cross roads. Do we choose our own path or follow the one that has been paved for us by our parents? Do we blindly follow in their foot steps? I know that we all have to make a decision either consciously or subconsciously whether we will forge our own path.

I have made the decision to forge my own. 

My children will have an education based on facts and not faith. They will be taught to love, tolerate, respect and accept those who are different then them no matter their race, gender or religion. I wish for my boys to be well-rounded men when they grow up. I am willing to admit that I don't know exactly how to raise the perfect children (no one does). I am, however, more than willing to go to the end of the earth to make sure that they are never harmed by religion. I never want them to be restricted by rules that limit their creativity, love or passion. If in the future, one of my boys were to tell me that he is gay, my desire is to be so connected to him that I will tell him; "You know what, I already knew. And you are in fabulous company!" What if one of my boys wants to be a stay at home dad? I would want him to love every minute of it without the indoctrination that teaches him that because he has a penis he must work until he can't work anymore. That his wife is to remain quiet and at home, taking care of the family. There are so many more examples of how I want my boys to see their world. I could go on for days. My vision for them is so beyond any religious text, so much richer and amazing. I am more grateful than ever that I have chosen to forgo religion and embrace reality.

This year has been a struggle. As I am getting older, I am more tired and stressed. I got a new (AMAZING) job, moved to a bigger house, got a dog, and learned that I love drag queens. You know, normal stuff. This past year, I have been trying my hardest to hold onto the friendships that have been established for years. But you know what? It's hard. I haven't really had the results I expected. Apparently when you decide to leave a club, the members don't invite you to anymore events or outings (even private ones). I have reminded myself that I have chosen this path. It may be a little lonely at times. It is not a well traveled one. I have not known of anyone, before now, who has taken this path. I will regain momentum as I keep focus and remind myself that I am doing this to make the world a better place for my boys. I am grateful for my tightly knit group of supportive friends and I will press on in my journey. I am ready to take on the next chapter of my life. Whatever it may be.
In the meantime, I would like to share a little quote with you: "I do not think it is necessary to believe that the same god who has given us our senses, reason, and intelligence wished us to abandon their use, giving us by some other means the information that we can gain through them." -Galileo Galilei

                                                                    Photo: Olivia Parker-Scott

Size doesn't matter

What is going on?!?!?
I realized today---right now. That I have a problem.
I have been struggling with a negative body image.

I have never really been self conscious or too self aware growing up. My mother has never made a habit of talking about physical appearance or stressing on how one should look. My dad didn’t care either. I have four brothers, who are not obsessed with looks and are typically very confident in their appearances. So where is this coming from? I have started to make the connection that within the last 2 years I have been bombarded with images of high fashion models and have been surrounded by all kinds of women with their own “body image demons”. Most women that I assist are brides. You can only imagine the emphasis on the outward appearance when it comes to the wedding day. I have also worked alongside a person who has a VERY serious body image problem. Her’s is so severe that she gets physically sick if she has to assist a customer larger than a size 14. She has called me "wide"(to my face) and referred to women my size as, ”chunky”, “fat” and “chubby”.
I, in turn, have become obsessed with how I look in the mirror. On top of becoming infatuated with my size, I have gained 20 pounds. These 20 pounds have really started to make me feel inferior and not equal with other women. I am not feeling as beautiful as I once did. I have found myself looking through album after album online of my own photos from the past 2 years. Trying to cling on to this ideal of my beauty that I know I have.
It is a poison. I feel sick to my stomach to admit that I have a problem. I have tried so hard to be the voice of body image.”Love yourself”! I try to tell this to every person I come in contact with. I need to start telling this to myself. I need to block out from my mind the negative things said about my hips and thighs. I need to rid my world of the poison of “thinspitation” (the idea that you must be thin to be happy). I am who I am!

Well, this brings me to tonight. It was tonight that I came across a photo of myself that made me write this blog post. I was a bridesmaid in my close friend Bri’s wedding. Her wedding was absolutely amazing! It was Quirky, creative, fun and beautiful; like her!
I saw this photo of myself (orange hair):

(Photo by Giselle Fryatt-click for larger size)

I was sitting here tearing myself apart. My hair, my smile, my chin, my arms, my hips, my legs, my hands.. “Look at all of my flaws” I was telling myself. “Look at my hips, arms and legs. Terrible, just terrible!”
But then, something happened...I stopped looking at myself. I started to look at the other girls. “Wow, they are so beautiful” I thought. “Why do I think I am not as beautiful as they are? What is going on with me?”

I recently told a friend about body image: “If you wouldn’t say that to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself in the mirror” I need to write this on my mirror.

I looked again at the image of us bridesmaids. I realized we are all a little different. Some taller, some slimmer, some curvier. Hmmm. This is interesting. There is nothing wrong with any of us! I would never think of any of the other girls as anything but gorgeous and I need to start implementing that idea in my everyday life too. Furthermore, I need to remember that when addressing my negative body image that I don't beat myself up for the fact that I am having these negative thoughts, there is no place for that in my healing. I need to cleanse my thoughts and embrace my hips, no matter their size. The last thing I need to do is remember to not hesitate to tell myself that I am unique, awesome and perfect the way I am. :) I hope that this short post has inspired you to remember that you do not have to be the standard of beauty established by the beauty industry. When you find yourself tearing yourself apart. Stop. Seriously. Just stop. Go find something else to do. If you are about to make a comment about your hips or arms; STOP. These words will not make you thinner. They will not make you happier. They will not make you more beautiful. You will regret these words. Always love yourself. Because, frankly, the industry does not want you to love yourself. If you did, you wouldn't buy their products (think about it).

xoxo A look at Body Image(click)

Who Gives This Bride?

Weddings are the time in your life when you are able to see the love of a couple materialize into a visual display of commitment and devotion. The surroundings are typically exquisitely adorned with flowers and candles. There is romance in the air! There is a beautiful woman in an gorgeous dress that will walk down an aisle to her groom. A kiss will bind the two together. The reception commences with feasting, music, dancing and laughter. This day will never be forgotten.

I have the opportunity to work with brides, assisting them with wedding day details and fashions.  
When working with women closely, I am often thought of as a friend, a confidant. I hear interesting and racy stories of love, sex and scandal. I am routinely asked to give my opinion or advice. I always do my best to remain neutral on topics. I feel that this is a safe place to be. Of all of the topics that are discussed in the bridal fitting rooms. Sex seems to be a hot topic. Women are comfortable telling me about their sex life. Or lack there of. I have no problem listening to the rants, fears or boasting. More often than not I hear references to their virginity or purity. Women are very blunt with me if they should be wearing a white dress or not. They feel that they are not allowed to wear white if they are not a virgin. I have always thought that this custom was a little interesting and wondered where it originated. Other topics of discussion are about the veil, the dad, and the last name. All of this wedding day talk has lead me to the point where I was curious about where some of our modern day traditions originated. The ceremony has evolved over the years and every couple in most western cultures decides, for the most part, on how they want their wedding ceremony to unfold.  

Every wedding day typically doesn't come about unless a proposal of marriage is given. Here in the United States we are accustomed to hearing about a young gentleman asking the father of the bride for her hand in marriage and then purchasing a ring and proposing on one knee his love and devotion with hopes that she will accept his hand in marriage. Where did the proposal originate? You may not be aware the this idea of a man proposing to the female is actually a relatively new idea.

“A millennium ago, in certain countries, a man kidnapped his bride-to-be from her family home. At other times, men were required to offer payment for their bride; conversely, a bride may have been expected to enter into a marriage with a dowry. There are also arranged marriages which are still practiced today in some cultures. Marriage proposals as we know them today, however, have also co-existed throughout the history of civilization, when a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage.” (Nicole Canfora, ehow)

“The idea of a woman’s consent to marriage (and also divorce) would be later implemented in the era of Roman civilization, but weddings and marriage proposals were still largely based upon the commercial value of a wife. Pragmatism was a general theme of marriages, and it would not be until the 1800s that personal inclination would begin to hold much sway in marriage decisions.” (Yalom 2001)
We have now progressed in a more civilized manner towards clearly making sure the bride and groom are making a conscious decision on whether their lives should join in marriage or not.

As the wedding day rapidly approaches, brides have to make a huge decision on what to wear. You would think the pressure to be a specific size or have a particular designer would be at the forefront of a modern bride’s mind. You would be surprised that the color of the gown plays a huge role in their decision. You may have heard that a bride who is a virgin should wear white to signify her purity. This assumption or old wives tale is (mostly) false. “A bride wearing white originated in 1840, when Queen Victoria married Prince Albert of Saxe wearing a white satin gown. In those days white was not a symbol of purity, blue was. In fact, many women chose the color blue for their wedding dresses for specifically that reason. White, on the other hand symbolized wealth.

-Queen Victoria

Since white wasn't generally chosen as the color in which to be married, Victoria's dress came as quite the surprise. Soon after, women of elevated social status all over Europe and America began wearing white wedding gowns as well. Some women still chose to get married in other colors, but the trend toward white was established.” (Donna Sundblad)
I want you to think about this: Why is there a modern tradition of wearing white as a symbol for purity?  Should the bride’s virginity be anyone’s business other than her own? What is it worth the public, or her family, that a bride stay "untouched" until her wedding night? Is she less of a woman or is she not loyal to her groom, if she is not a virgin? What about the groom? How is he to show all in attendance that he is a virgin?

When the processional begins, the bridesmaids find their places near the minister, groomsmen and groom. There is a hush over the guests as the bride reveals herself alongside her father. They make their way to the altar where the groom is waiting with tears in his eyes. The minister asks "Who is gives this woman to this man?". The Father of the Bride responds. "I do.".
I never thought about this short exchange before. What does it mean? Why does the father give his daughter away? I needed to know. “The father who "gives away" his daughter at her wedding ceremony is following an ancient tradition that has evolved over hundreds, if not thousands, of years. The custom dates back to the time when a daughter was considered property of the fathers. The groom had to pay a price to her family before he could be permitted to marry her.” (Bridalwhimsy.com)
The father would actually transfer ownership of his daughter to the groom with guests acting as witnesses to the contract. Over time, some countries have made it clear that they do not condone the act of “giving the bride away”. In Sweden it is actually forbidden.  Rev Eva Brunne, diocesan dean and assistant to Bishop of Stockholm Caroline Krook said about the father giving the daughter away: "This symbolizes that the father is the owner of the daughter and that he is giving her away to her new owner,"

(image)

A troubling trend that is still alive and well today is the an archaic idea that the daughter is under “protection” of her father. There are a few religious sects that teach that a father is to be head over his house, including his daughters. This father, who is claiming to be protecting his daughter from harm or heartache is acting as her conscience. He is the one to make the ultimate decisions on health and happiness for his daughter(s).  In reality, the father (or mother) is afraid that their daughter may "wander" off with a partner that they do not approve of, find a career,  or worse, leave the religion of the parents.  These young women are being taught that they are under their father’s authority, and that they must follow his will for them no matter what. “His commands are absolute, just as their obedience is to be absolute. By obeying their father, they are preparing for the time when they will similarly obey their future husbands. Furthermore, by staying at home rather than leaving the home to attend college or get a job, they are preparing to spend their lives as homemakers, as mandated by their gender.” (Libby Anne You will find this link very informative on the hierarchy family)
How can a young woman’s father know exactly what his daughter needs? Does the idea of a father having control over his family and children seem outdated to you? Do you think that a woman needs a man to protect her or watch out for her?
Some women who are very close with their fathers have decided independently that they will forgo the tradition of having their fathers give them away. Some brides have simply removed the rhetoric from their ceremony, while others have walked the aisle alone.
Another aspect of "giving away" the bride, is that it symbolized the transition of authority from the bride's father to her husband as she moved from the parental home to the conjugal home. Which is all too true in some modern homes today. The “traditional home” consists of a husband, wife and children. The husband is head over the home. He makes all of the “ultimate” decisions and directs the household. The wife is to be the husband’s "HelpMeet"/Helper while following the biblical principle that the wife must be happily submissive. Here is a sample of  a modern day submissive bride's vow to her husband:
"Bride: the Lord instructs me as the one who will be your wife to submit to you as unto Him. Our Father created woman to be man's helper. It is my desire and delight to follow this scriptural teaching. With all my heart I make this pledge to you."  Christian Vows

“The biggest problems I have with Christian Patriarchy are its emphasis women offering absolute obedience to their male authorities and its emphasis on strict gender roles. Christian Patriarchy fails to recognize the huge diversity within each sex, and pushes people into prescribed slots based on their sex rather than appreciating this diversity and seeing people as individuals first.
Now please be aware that the vast, vast majority of Christians do not hold to the teachings of Christian Patriarchy. In fact, many Christians actively fight against these ideas, arguing that they represent a fallen order of mankind and that Christ has ordained equality between the genders. However, it should be noted that even as some Christians fight these ideas others are unknowingly influenced by them, and that is what makes understanding the ideas behind Christian Patriarchy all the more important.” (Libby Anne)

I hope that we can understand that a woman is not defined by her virginity, her father or her husband. I desire that what we see in women are her accomplishments, her passions and her heart. I want our children to look at women as strong and able. What are ways that we can redefine the “roles” in our marriages? What are some traditions that you have noticed that are degrading toward women or men?
When you attend your next wedding, think about all of the outdated traditions and archaic rhetoric that surrounds the ceremony. But then, after that, make sure you enjoy the one day out of the couple’s lifetime they will truly be happy.  Then, get drunk.

For further reading on the subject:

History of the American Marriage
Brief History of Wedding Vows
Introduction to Christian Patriarchy
How to own your grown daughter
Sweden bans fathers giving their daughters away

Femo-what?

At 18 I attended a youth camp called Summit Ministries in Colorado. At this 2 week Conservaitive training camp I was being trained on how to be a Conservative leader. There were a plethora of speakers including Dr. Ron Nash, Mark Cahill, Dr. David Noebel, Dr. Francis J. Beckwith and more. At this camp we were taught many things, basically all of the "hot button" Conservative issues. There was a lot of emphasis on The United States' founding fathers. We were taught that this was a "Christian Nation" that has strayed from it's "godly roots". I enjoyed attending the camp because I loved meeting new people and it was nice feeling like I belonged to a "club". I didn't care if things sounded intolerant or cruel. Lessons were explained to me in a way that seemed enticing and and rebellious against "mainstream left propaganda". I love feeling like I am going against the "norm". My favorite speaker was Dr. Noebel. He was funny and cleaver. My fellow classmates and I would jot down his silly quotes and repeat them later at lunch or free time. Our preferred quote was "Put that in your pipe and smoke it". At one of our classes he was speaking on Feminism. He broke down feminism like this.
Feminism:
1.) Femo-Nazis = There are actually only 29 of them and they believe there are not enough abortions.
2.) Femo-Noids = We put one man on the moon, let's put them all there.
3.) Femo-Nists = All women are victims to men and their Christ is "Christa".

During those two weeks we were in classes for about 5 hours each day. At not one of these daily lessons were we given a definition of Feminism or Feminist. The Webster Dictionary defines Feminism as 1: The theory of political, economic, and social equality of the sexes. 2: Organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests.
One of the speakers, Dr. Nash, had this to say about Feminists: "Feminist theology contends that the historic Christian faith must be repudiated as a haven for patriarchal sexism that oppresses women even as "capitalism" according to the Marxist view oppresses the poor." -Nash pg 50 "Is Jesus the Only Savior." Dr. Nash also describes feminists this way; "feminists are actually angry at God/nature for creating them female. They believe that menstruation, child raising, birthing and pregnancy are shackles that they need to be liberated from. Birth control and abortions are their only liberation."

If you are unaware, I am a feminist and I am learning what it means to truly be a feminist. This is a very new concept for me. Growing up in a Conservative Christian family, I was never taught anything positive about Feminists or Feminism. It was simply the other "F" word. Women were to remain quiet and submissive. They would act foolish and had little to no control over emotions. Now that I am learning more about women, I feel empowered! Women empowerment was looked down upon in my upbringing. I am learning to recognize things in my life that are demeaning to women as will as misogynistic. I would encourage you to take a look back at your past and remember the lessons taught to you about women and gender roles as well as expectations for women and girls. The subjects are practically endless. I will touch on as many topics as I can in later posts. Today, I wanted to share with you this post I found online about the Twilight books. For the record, I am not a fan of the story or movies (of course, for reasons that aren't valid to this post :))
It was from a website that promotes "traditional gender roles in men and women". This was written by a Christian woman as praise to the characters portrayed in the Twilight series. "the [Twilight] saga portrays “traditional” roles for male and female at a time when it is highly counter-cultural to do so. Bella isn’t a male-kicking, karate-chopping, independent, domineering heroine. She’s gentle, soft, and vulnerable. Her character flies in the face of the tough-girl image that’s portrayed by most contemporary movies. I think young girls intuitively know that the prevalent portrayal of women as tough doesn't match who they are. The average teen senses that she’s not wired that way. She longs to be the princess in a traditional fairy tale romance. She wants to be a woman. And she wants a man to be a man. A young woman intuitively yearns for someone who will pursue her, protect her, and cherish her beauty and vulnerability. She yearns for a man to love her at a deep personal and emotional level—and not just a physical, sexual one. Regardless of culture's attempts at egalitarian brainwashing, the man of her dreams is still a strong, handsome prince charming who fights for her, and rescues her. He loves her, commits to her, and selflessly sets aside personal interest for the sake of her best interest." Mary Kassian (emphasis added).
These are the gender roles that I will later go into as much detail as I can to expose the ways in which they are unnecessary to a healthy life and relationships. I beg you to think for yourself: Where is the proof that women need a man to pursue her? Does a women need to have a man in her life to feel complete fulfillment? What is man rescuing women from?

Help me break these stereotypes!

somewhat entertaining website: "Feminism is Evil!"
Twilight Article
Dr. Nash speaking on Abortion and Feminism

Right to Love

Yesterday was huge. The first time in United States history a standing president affirmed same-sex couples, saying: “I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors, when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together; when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married,” President Barack Obama, May 9th 2012 ...

This broadcast on Good Morning America has sparked much debate. Those on the Right can't see past the potential political intentions to secure votes in November and the Left is proud, however, the President made sure to stress that this was his personal position, and that he still supports the concept of states deciding on this issue. Nevertheless, the President has proven time and time again in his administration that he supports same sex couples, from repelling Don't Ask Don't Tell, to signing the Hate Crimes act into law, to clearing the way for hospital visitation rights for same sex couples.
We have come a long way and still have barriers to break and stigmas to demolish. Much like the years leading up to The Civil Rights Movement in the 50's and 60's where African Americans were seen as lesser humans for being, well, black. We are witnessing same sex couples denied rights and being discriminated against for existing as well. Voting to decide if "rights" should be granted to another human is wrong. That is why they are called rights! Passing laws to protect religious groups who speak out against same sex couples is backwards and wrong! In April 2012, a Kansas bill called "Religious Freedom Act" passed 91-33. The bill states that Kansans cannot use religion to justify discrimination based on gender, race or ethnicity. However, sexual orientation or gender identification are not protected under this bill. An employer can not fire an employee because of their race, but, under the bill they will have the right to terminate employees if they discover their employee is in a same sex relationship. This is discrimination, is wrong and needs to change.

Needless to say, today, I am proud to be an American. I am optimistic that in my lifetime same sex couples will be allowed to wed or divorce like their straight neighbor. They can run to Vegas and elope, have a grand wedding in Napa Valley or throw a modern party in a Manhattan Penthouse on 5th Avenue.

There are many bridges to be built and mountains to climb before we reach equality. I will stand and support my LGBQT community until that day comes!! Watch this:    

Obama's Speech
Kansas Bill