New Views

It has been over a month now since I have began my journey down the dark road of non-religion. I am only joking about the dark road. It is more like the yellow brick road.

I have been communicating more with friends whom I haven't spoken with in a while and sharing with new friends and I have been extremely blessed with the reactions and support. I know I have wonderful friends when they are loving me and encouraging me through this, even if they don't know exactly why I am here at this point in my life. I think that is a true testament to someones character. I am optimistically excited to find out what will come next and how I will be received by more friends and family as the time progresses.
I also want to thank the following people for all of the amazing and kind words since my last blog (If I have forgotten you, don't take it personal. Thanks): Brian, Bri, Morgan, Danna, Amee, Emily, Jeremy, Katie and Nicole.

Stuck between a god and a hard place

So I turn 26 tomorrow and I feel like I am not any older. This was the quickest year ever. I can not believe it is almost Christmas. The boys have definitely grown and our little bunny is still adorable as always!
The amazing thing is that I have really changed in the past year. I am so different and I am sure everyone can see it. Not only have I put on nearly 20 pounds (not my proudest moment), but my views have shifted entirely.

Have you ever known anyone who is gay? You knew they were but they were afraid to tell everyone? They have that struggle with trying to tell certain people with out "disappointing" them or much worse, losing them and their friendship entirely. I can almost feel their struggles. I am not putting their struggles of coming out lightly however, I am in a point in my life where I need to "come out" of the skeptic closet.

I am not a christian anymore.

There, I said it.

I have struggled so long with telling my close friends and family.

I still haven't told everyone and there are at least 5 people I am terrified of telling. I almost want them to find out by reading this. Then they can not be so "shocked" when I tell them. What terrifies me is that I have been on the other side of this scenario. I have been the one to "gather the troops" and have everyone I know pray for this "lost soul". I know that judgment because I have been there among it. I have been the one judging. I was the one feeling sorry for that person and how horrible their life was to become for "letting go of god".

I can no longer hide behind a religion to rationalize my views. Everyone on this big blue planet should get along and refuse to accept ideals that limit the weak, poor, minorities and women. I have believed and prayed and prayed and prayed for my marriage to be this perfect little bubble of love and balance. And then it hit me, stop putting your energy in praying to a god that isn't doing anything and start trying to fix your marriage! I have never loved my husband as much as I do now. I no longer look at him and think "if only he was a STRONG man of the lord, our marriage and kids would be so perfect". I have friends who spend an hour a day praying for their family and friends. Why not spend that hour with your friend or family member? They would appreciate it much more!
I hardly get to see some friends and family members. I am off on Sundays. And since they have church services to attend they cannot see me and my kids. Aren't these services all about family?!?!

I am making new friendships and expanding my mind. I am willing to do things that I wouldn't have done before out of fear. It is an amazing feeling not living in fear of judgement or condemnation.

One more thing,

If you are my friend or family member: if you love me then it wont matter what I believe or choose not to believe.
Try not to ask "why?"..

LOVE - PEACE

UPDATE: November 16th 2011,

Just to clarify: the reason I have been so terrified to tell these specific 5 people is ONLY because of fear of disappointing them. I don't like disappointing people. These people have been huge in my christian life and relationship with god. So that is why it is scary for me. It is/was more about me being terrified and not about them judging me. I know judgement will come, but not from these 5 people.

Imagine if you had someone invest in your talent, like a coach, let's say you are a basketball player. They trained and encouraged you day in and day out. They were proud of your achievements, listened to your struggles, and comforted you when you cried. Then imagine, that you start to lose interest in basketball, It is just not for you anymore. It isn't all you thought it was going to be. It would be easy to tell other people who have not invested into you and your growth. You could even tell new friends and strangers easily. However, It would be very hard to tell your coach. Where do you even begin, and how do you say "I am not going to play basketball anymore." You can expect the response to be "but, why?!". How do you answer that tough question. Are you even ready to answer it?! The fear of the "why", the fear that your coach, who invested into you the most might be disappointed is paralyzing.

I hope this explains a little better my feelings. Love you guys!!

New Beginnings

originally written 6-7-11

I really want to express with you how I am trying to grow in who I am. I do not want to limit myself.
I guess that I am technically a heretic, but I don't care. I don't believe in heaven or hell. Well, at least not hell. I don't believe God answers prayer. He or she is just there. Different to everyone. We all see him/her differently and that is ok. I believe that no one knows the answer to life's questions. I believe that we all are inherently good but our culture, surroundings ruin us.

LIFE

I don't know exactly what I believe anymore and I don't really care.

In 2004, when I went to Summit Ministries in CO, I was so taken with the ideals of "conservativeism" (is that even a word). I really wanted to mold everything I was around that ideal. I thought that would make me a better person, at least better than any Democrat was. I thought that If I was louder and more articulate than my opponent I would always win in debate. There was a lot of finger pointing and name calling going on. I remember being so "on fire" about proving that Evolution was FALSE and that abortion was bloody murder. Did you know that every two seconds a baby dies to abortion. Well, that's what I was told at Summit. The main focus that I took with me was "Always know what you believe". Seems easy enough right?

It's not.

Don't get me wrong, I think Summit has some positive things, like, homemade peanut butter and the hike up Red Mountain. I have made some great friends that I still talk with today.

As the years have passed, 6 almost 7, I am finding my ideals are shifting (GASP, this is almost a sin.) I am realizing that being one-sided is wrong. I was young when I went to Summit, 18, and I was really excited to "soak" up everything they spoke about, even if it was blatantly anti-democrat or even insulting. I remember the jokes said about Al Gore and gays. As I look back I remember hearing a few times "get them while their young". This was their tactic. I wanted to fit in somewhere, anywhere. As most teenagers do. I would believe anything (within some reason).
I think of how this "camp" looks from the outside now. As I look back. It is a training ground for those who want to continue in the foot steps of Reagan or Bush. To continue in the republican legacy.
Do I want to follow a world figurehead?!

I don't know exactly what I believe anymore and I don't really care.

I am not worried that I should be "right" (no pun intended) all of the time. I am not anti-evolution, anti-choose, anti-gay rights, and anti-health care.
I do know, that I want equal rights for all, that gay or straight should marry whomever they wish. That ammo should cost $2000 a bullet and that we should have free health care and try to live in peace with other nations. There are a few more things that I do, and don't, agree with. But I will save your time and mine.

I am so over being "set" in my ways. I want to be a flex-acrat or a flex-ican (I like the way that sounds). I want to listen and learn from every religion. I don't want to be easily labeled.
But, If I am labeled I want to be called: "open-minded", "understanding" and "kind".

I will continue to grow and expand my mind. I may again subscribe to an ideology or a religion. But for the time being, I hope to love all, respect all and not hate.

Call me whatever you may.

Peace to you.