Stuck between a god and a hard place

So I turn 26 tomorrow and I feel like I am not any older. This was the quickest year ever. I can not believe it is almost Christmas. The boys have definitely grown and our little bunny is still adorable as always!
The amazing thing is that I have really changed in the past year. I am so different and I am sure everyone can see it. Not only have I put on nearly 20 pounds (not my proudest moment), but my views have shifted entirely.

Have you ever known anyone who is gay? You knew they were but they were afraid to tell everyone? They have that struggle with trying to tell certain people with out "disappointing" them or much worse, losing them and their friendship entirely. I can almost feel their struggles. I am not putting their struggles of coming out lightly however, I am in a point in my life where I need to "come out" of the skeptic closet.

I am not a christian anymore.

There, I said it.

I have struggled so long with telling my close friends and family.

I still haven't told everyone and there are at least 5 people I am terrified of telling. I almost want them to find out by reading this. Then they can not be so "shocked" when I tell them. What terrifies me is that I have been on the other side of this scenario. I have been the one to "gather the troops" and have everyone I know pray for this "lost soul". I know that judgment because I have been there among it. I have been the one judging. I was the one feeling sorry for that person and how horrible their life was to become for "letting go of god".

I can no longer hide behind a religion to rationalize my views. Everyone on this big blue planet should get along and refuse to accept ideals that limit the weak, poor, minorities and women. I have believed and prayed and prayed and prayed for my marriage to be this perfect little bubble of love and balance. And then it hit me, stop putting your energy in praying to a god that isn't doing anything and start trying to fix your marriage! I have never loved my husband as much as I do now. I no longer look at him and think "if only he was a STRONG man of the lord, our marriage and kids would be so perfect". I have friends who spend an hour a day praying for their family and friends. Why not spend that hour with your friend or family member? They would appreciate it much more!
I hardly get to see some friends and family members. I am off on Sundays. And since they have church services to attend they cannot see me and my kids. Aren't these services all about family?!?!

I am making new friendships and expanding my mind. I am willing to do things that I wouldn't have done before out of fear. It is an amazing feeling not living in fear of judgement or condemnation.

One more thing,

If you are my friend or family member: if you love me then it wont matter what I believe or choose not to believe.
Try not to ask "why?"..

LOVE - PEACE

UPDATE: November 16th 2011,

Just to clarify: the reason I have been so terrified to tell these specific 5 people is ONLY because of fear of disappointing them. I don't like disappointing people. These people have been huge in my christian life and relationship with god. So that is why it is scary for me. It is/was more about me being terrified and not about them judging me. I know judgement will come, but not from these 5 people.

Imagine if you had someone invest in your talent, like a coach, let's say you are a basketball player. They trained and encouraged you day in and day out. They were proud of your achievements, listened to your struggles, and comforted you when you cried. Then imagine, that you start to lose interest in basketball, It is just not for you anymore. It isn't all you thought it was going to be. It would be easy to tell other people who have not invested into you and your growth. You could even tell new friends and strangers easily. However, It would be very hard to tell your coach. Where do you even begin, and how do you say "I am not going to play basketball anymore." You can expect the response to be "but, why?!". How do you answer that tough question. Are you even ready to answer it?! The fear of the "why", the fear that your coach, who invested into you the most might be disappointed is paralyzing.

I hope this explains a little better my feelings. Love you guys!!