Size doesn't matter

What is going on?!?!?
I realized today---right now. That I have a problem.
I have been struggling with a negative body image.

I have never really been self conscious or too self aware growing up. My mother has never made a habit of talking about physical appearance or stressing on how one should look. My dad didn’t care either. I have four brothers, who are not obsessed with looks and are typically very confident in their appearances. So where is this coming from? I have started to make the connection that within the last 2 years I have been bombarded with images of high fashion models and have been surrounded by all kinds of women with their own “body image demons”. Most women that I assist are brides. You can only imagine the emphasis on the outward appearance when it comes to the wedding day. I have also worked alongside a person who has a VERY serious body image problem. Her’s is so severe that she gets physically sick if she has to assist a customer larger than a size 14. She has called me "wide"(to my face) and referred to women my size as, ”chunky”, “fat” and “chubby”.
I, in turn, have become obsessed with how I look in the mirror. On top of becoming infatuated with my size, I have gained 20 pounds. These 20 pounds have really started to make me feel inferior and not equal with other women. I am not feeling as beautiful as I once did. I have found myself looking through album after album online of my own photos from the past 2 years. Trying to cling on to this ideal of my beauty that I know I have.
It is a poison. I feel sick to my stomach to admit that I have a problem. I have tried so hard to be the voice of body image.”Love yourself”! I try to tell this to every person I come in contact with. I need to start telling this to myself. I need to block out from my mind the negative things said about my hips and thighs. I need to rid my world of the poison of “thinspitation” (the idea that you must be thin to be happy). I am who I am!

Well, this brings me to tonight. It was tonight that I came across a photo of myself that made me write this blog post. I was a bridesmaid in my close friend Bri’s wedding. Her wedding was absolutely amazing! It was Quirky, creative, fun and beautiful; like her!
I saw this photo of myself (orange hair):

(Photo by Giselle Fryatt-click for larger size)

I was sitting here tearing myself apart. My hair, my smile, my chin, my arms, my hips, my legs, my hands.. “Look at all of my flaws” I was telling myself. “Look at my hips, arms and legs. Terrible, just terrible!”
But then, something happened...I stopped looking at myself. I started to look at the other girls. “Wow, they are so beautiful” I thought. “Why do I think I am not as beautiful as they are? What is going on with me?”

I recently told a friend about body image: “If you wouldn’t say that to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself in the mirror” I need to write this on my mirror.

I looked again at the image of us bridesmaids. I realized we are all a little different. Some taller, some slimmer, some curvier. Hmmm. This is interesting. There is nothing wrong with any of us! I would never think of any of the other girls as anything but gorgeous and I need to start implementing that idea in my everyday life too. Furthermore, I need to remember that when addressing my negative body image that I don't beat myself up for the fact that I am having these negative thoughts, there is no place for that in my healing. I need to cleanse my thoughts and embrace my hips, no matter their size. The last thing I need to do is remember to not hesitate to tell myself that I am unique, awesome and perfect the way I am. :) I hope that this short post has inspired you to remember that you do not have to be the standard of beauty established by the beauty industry. When you find yourself tearing yourself apart. Stop. Seriously. Just stop. Go find something else to do. If you are about to make a comment about your hips or arms; STOP. These words will not make you thinner. They will not make you happier. They will not make you more beautiful. You will regret these words. Always love yourself. Because, frankly, the industry does not want you to love yourself. If you did, you wouldn't buy their products (think about it).

xoxo A look at Body Image(click)

Who Gives This Bride?

Weddings are the time in your life when you are able to see the love of a couple materialize into a visual display of commitment and devotion. The surroundings are typically exquisitely adorned with flowers and candles. There is romance in the air! There is a beautiful woman in an gorgeous dress that will walk down an aisle to her groom. A kiss will bind the two together. The reception commences with feasting, music, dancing and laughter. This day will never be forgotten.

I have the opportunity to work with brides, assisting them with wedding day details and fashions.  
When working with women closely, I am often thought of as a friend, a confidant. I hear interesting and racy stories of love, sex and scandal. I am routinely asked to give my opinion or advice. I always do my best to remain neutral on topics. I feel that this is a safe place to be. Of all of the topics that are discussed in the bridal fitting rooms. Sex seems to be a hot topic. Women are comfortable telling me about their sex life. Or lack there of. I have no problem listening to the rants, fears or boasting. More often than not I hear references to their virginity or purity. Women are very blunt with me if they should be wearing a white dress or not. They feel that they are not allowed to wear white if they are not a virgin. I have always thought that this custom was a little interesting and wondered where it originated. Other topics of discussion are about the veil, the dad, and the last name. All of this wedding day talk has lead me to the point where I was curious about where some of our modern day traditions originated. The ceremony has evolved over the years and every couple in most western cultures decides, for the most part, on how they want their wedding ceremony to unfold.  

Every wedding day typically doesn't come about unless a proposal of marriage is given. Here in the United States we are accustomed to hearing about a young gentleman asking the father of the bride for her hand in marriage and then purchasing a ring and proposing on one knee his love and devotion with hopes that she will accept his hand in marriage. Where did the proposal originate? You may not be aware the this idea of a man proposing to the female is actually a relatively new idea.

“A millennium ago, in certain countries, a man kidnapped his bride-to-be from her family home. At other times, men were required to offer payment for their bride; conversely, a bride may have been expected to enter into a marriage with a dowry. There are also arranged marriages which are still practiced today in some cultures. Marriage proposals as we know them today, however, have also co-existed throughout the history of civilization, when a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage.” (Nicole Canfora, ehow)

“The idea of a woman’s consent to marriage (and also divorce) would be later implemented in the era of Roman civilization, but weddings and marriage proposals were still largely based upon the commercial value of a wife. Pragmatism was a general theme of marriages, and it would not be until the 1800s that personal inclination would begin to hold much sway in marriage decisions.” (Yalom 2001)
We have now progressed in a more civilized manner towards clearly making sure the bride and groom are making a conscious decision on whether their lives should join in marriage or not.

As the wedding day rapidly approaches, brides have to make a huge decision on what to wear. You would think the pressure to be a specific size or have a particular designer would be at the forefront of a modern bride’s mind. You would be surprised that the color of the gown plays a huge role in their decision. You may have heard that a bride who is a virgin should wear white to signify her purity. This assumption or old wives tale is (mostly) false. “A bride wearing white originated in 1840, when Queen Victoria married Prince Albert of Saxe wearing a white satin gown. In those days white was not a symbol of purity, blue was. In fact, many women chose the color blue for their wedding dresses for specifically that reason. White, on the other hand symbolized wealth.

-Queen Victoria

Since white wasn't generally chosen as the color in which to be married, Victoria's dress came as quite the surprise. Soon after, women of elevated social status all over Europe and America began wearing white wedding gowns as well. Some women still chose to get married in other colors, but the trend toward white was established.” (Donna Sundblad)
I want you to think about this: Why is there a modern tradition of wearing white as a symbol for purity?  Should the bride’s virginity be anyone’s business other than her own? What is it worth the public, or her family, that a bride stay "untouched" until her wedding night? Is she less of a woman or is she not loyal to her groom, if she is not a virgin? What about the groom? How is he to show all in attendance that he is a virgin?

When the processional begins, the bridesmaids find their places near the minister, groomsmen and groom. There is a hush over the guests as the bride reveals herself alongside her father. They make their way to the altar where the groom is waiting with tears in his eyes. The minister asks "Who is gives this woman to this man?". The Father of the Bride responds. "I do.".
I never thought about this short exchange before. What does it mean? Why does the father give his daughter away? I needed to know. “The father who "gives away" his daughter at her wedding ceremony is following an ancient tradition that has evolved over hundreds, if not thousands, of years. The custom dates back to the time when a daughter was considered property of the fathers. The groom had to pay a price to her family before he could be permitted to marry her.” (Bridalwhimsy.com)
The father would actually transfer ownership of his daughter to the groom with guests acting as witnesses to the contract. Over time, some countries have made it clear that they do not condone the act of “giving the bride away”. In Sweden it is actually forbidden.  Rev Eva Brunne, diocesan dean and assistant to Bishop of Stockholm Caroline Krook said about the father giving the daughter away: "This symbolizes that the father is the owner of the daughter and that he is giving her away to her new owner,"

(image)

A troubling trend that is still alive and well today is the an archaic idea that the daughter is under “protection” of her father. There are a few religious sects that teach that a father is to be head over his house, including his daughters. This father, who is claiming to be protecting his daughter from harm or heartache is acting as her conscience. He is the one to make the ultimate decisions on health and happiness for his daughter(s).  In reality, the father (or mother) is afraid that their daughter may "wander" off with a partner that they do not approve of, find a career,  or worse, leave the religion of the parents.  These young women are being taught that they are under their father’s authority, and that they must follow his will for them no matter what. “His commands are absolute, just as their obedience is to be absolute. By obeying their father, they are preparing for the time when they will similarly obey their future husbands. Furthermore, by staying at home rather than leaving the home to attend college or get a job, they are preparing to spend their lives as homemakers, as mandated by their gender.” (Libby Anne You will find this link very informative on the hierarchy family)
How can a young woman’s father know exactly what his daughter needs? Does the idea of a father having control over his family and children seem outdated to you? Do you think that a woman needs a man to protect her or watch out for her?
Some women who are very close with their fathers have decided independently that they will forgo the tradition of having their fathers give them away. Some brides have simply removed the rhetoric from their ceremony, while others have walked the aisle alone.
Another aspect of "giving away" the bride, is that it symbolized the transition of authority from the bride's father to her husband as she moved from the parental home to the conjugal home. Which is all too true in some modern homes today. The “traditional home” consists of a husband, wife and children. The husband is head over the home. He makes all of the “ultimate” decisions and directs the household. The wife is to be the husband’s "HelpMeet"/Helper while following the biblical principle that the wife must be happily submissive. Here is a sample of  a modern day submissive bride's vow to her husband:
"Bride: the Lord instructs me as the one who will be your wife to submit to you as unto Him. Our Father created woman to be man's helper. It is my desire and delight to follow this scriptural teaching. With all my heart I make this pledge to you."  Christian Vows

“The biggest problems I have with Christian Patriarchy are its emphasis women offering absolute obedience to their male authorities and its emphasis on strict gender roles. Christian Patriarchy fails to recognize the huge diversity within each sex, and pushes people into prescribed slots based on their sex rather than appreciating this diversity and seeing people as individuals first.
Now please be aware that the vast, vast majority of Christians do not hold to the teachings of Christian Patriarchy. In fact, many Christians actively fight against these ideas, arguing that they represent a fallen order of mankind and that Christ has ordained equality between the genders. However, it should be noted that even as some Christians fight these ideas others are unknowingly influenced by them, and that is what makes understanding the ideas behind Christian Patriarchy all the more important.” (Libby Anne)

I hope that we can understand that a woman is not defined by her virginity, her father or her husband. I desire that what we see in women are her accomplishments, her passions and her heart. I want our children to look at women as strong and able. What are ways that we can redefine the “roles” in our marriages? What are some traditions that you have noticed that are degrading toward women or men?
When you attend your next wedding, think about all of the outdated traditions and archaic rhetoric that surrounds the ceremony. But then, after that, make sure you enjoy the one day out of the couple’s lifetime they will truly be happy.  Then, get drunk.

For further reading on the subject:

History of the American Marriage
Brief History of Wedding Vows
Introduction to Christian Patriarchy
How to own your grown daughter
Sweden bans fathers giving their daughters away