I was lying in bed last night and thinking about all of the rules, the standards, that exist in society at which one must follow to obtain Ultimate Beauty Perfection.
I began to wonder what would happen if I physically wrote them down. I wondered how long the list would be. How many pages could I fill up with "Rules"? I wondered at what point I was going to quit. I knew that Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire and Glamour had a few things to say.
Fun fact: I love Kelly Osbourne
Who made all of these rules? Was it really beauty magazines? Why do we try to follow them? What if we all said "Fuck Your Body Standards!"?! Would we all look like an episode of Portlandia?
One can only hope, am I right?!
Would we begin to really look at people, as people, and not as objects to tear apart and judge?
I have filled 4 pages with these rule before I said, enough...and that was writing short sentences about each "rule".
Here are 80 Beauty and Body Standards(in no particular order):
1. Have pedicured feet.
2. Wear cute shoes. The taller the better. It makes you more feminine.
3. Whatever you do, don't have cankles.
4. Shave, wax, whatever it takes to have perfectly smooth legs.
5. Don't have thunder thighs.
6. Don't have saddle bags.
7. Must have a perfectly round booty. Not too big. You don't want to look like Nicki Minaj.
8. Have zero cellulite. It's the cottage cheese that every celebrity hates.
9. The newest obsession taking the internet by storm. THE THIGH GAP *echo echo echo*..
10. Make sure your vagina has had a Brazilian ever 3 weeks (thank you Cosmo. I had to look it up). Must maintain a pre-pubescent appearance on the vagina.
11. Your vagina must be perfectly symmetrical. No elongated labia for you. There is surgery for that.
12. No FUPA.
13. You can't have enough Coco Butter to remove your stretch marks.
14. The ideal body shape: Hourglass.
15. Must have a flat tummy.
16. You are allowed to do sit ups and crunches. But it isn't ideal for a woman to have a six pack.
17. Be skinny, but not that skinny.
18. Be curvy, but not that curvy.
19. Sorry if you have an "outie" belly button. There is surgery for that.
20. Must do thousands of sit ups/crunches, don't get a six pack, but rid yourself of love handles.
21. Same applies for a muffin top.
22. Same applies for rolls.
23. If you don't have perky breasts...there is a surgery for that.
24. If your breasts are too small...there is a surgery for that.
25. If your breasts are too big...there is a surgery for that.
26. If one breast is bigger than the other...there is a surgery for that.
27. If you get your breast augmented, make sure they look natural..like you didn't get surgery.
28. See if while you are under the knife they can remove your armpit fat. Because it is gross.
29. Then see if they can flip you over and remove your back fat. Because it is gross.
30. Have manicured hands.
31. Have little to no arm hair.
32. Be able to see your clavicle bone.
33. Have soft shoulders.
34. Be tan, but not too tan.
35. Have porcelain skin, but not that porcelain.
36. Do whatever it takes to not have ashy elbows.
37. Be armpit hair free!
38. Have little to no moles.
39. Have little to no freckles.
40. Do not have a double chin.
41. Do not have a triple chin.
42. Have only one chin.
43. Do not have pores on your face.
44. Don't have a small nose.
45. Don't have a big nose...there is a surgery for that.
46. Have kissable, supple lips.
47. Have almond shaped eyes.
48. Get bangs if needed to hide a Five Head.
49. Have symmetric ears.
50. Have ears that do not stick out or are too big...there is a surgery for that.
51. Nothing says female like pierced ears. Make sure your female baby has her ears pierced in the hospital so people won't call her a boy.
52. High cheek bones.
53. Oval shaped face.
54. When you go in for your semi-annual haircut, make sure it isn't too short. You don't want to be called a butch.
55. When you go in for your semi-annual haircut, make sure it isn't too long. You don't want to be called a hippy.
56. Get a Brazilian Blowout if your hair is frizzy.
57. Get a relaxer if you have afro-textured hair.
58. Curl your hair everyday if you have straight hair. Don't get a perm, those are outdated.
59. When you do style your hair, make sure it appears like you didn't do anything to it, even though you took hours upon hours and watched 16 Youtube videos.
60. Wear makeup.
61. But not that much makeup.
This is an unacceptable makeup application.
62. Cover your flaws without looking like you are trying to cover flaws.
63. Wear designer clothes.
64. Oh, you can't afford them? Then, do the next best thing; buy clothes that look like designer clothes.
65. Or charge it.
66. Don't wear short shorts.
67. Wear short shorts.
68. Show your tummy.
69. Don't show your tummy if you haven't followed instructions in step 16.
70. Cover arms if they juggle.
71. Cinch in the waist.
Oh, SNL.
72. Wear a push up bra.73. Dress sexy.
74. Don't dress too sexy.
75. Wear Spanx.
76. Wear Spanx, even if you are pregnant.
77. Stand up straight.
78. Suck in your tummy.
79. Smile.
80. Be graceful and easy to talk to while maintaining an attitude that you are in control. Don't appear weak while also being naive and fun.
There are probably hundreds more things that I could list, like how to have the perfect manicure etc.
Do you see how these standards are A: hard to achieve. B: silly C: we would all look exactly the same if we followed these rules.
We should all say in unison:
FUCK YOUR BODY STANDARDS!!
I have said before and I will say again. Fashion, makeup and hair are all fun outlets. However, you need to love yourself before and after you use those things. I am not trying to add to these silly rules. Be yourself. Do what makes you happy. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Love you RuPaul (also a huge fan)
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