Who Gives This Bride?

Weddings are the time in your life when you are able to see the love of a couple materialize into a visual display of commitment and devotion. The surroundings are typically exquisitely adorned with flowers and candles. There is romance in the air! There is a beautiful woman in an gorgeous dress that will walk down an aisle to her groom. A kiss will bind the two together. The reception commences with feasting, music, dancing and laughter. This day will never be forgotten.

I have the opportunity to work with brides, assisting them with wedding day details and fashions.  
When working with women closely, I am often thought of as a friend, a confidant. I hear interesting and racy stories of love, sex and scandal. I am routinely asked to give my opinion or advice. I always do my best to remain neutral on topics. I feel that this is a safe place to be. Of all of the topics that are discussed in the bridal fitting rooms. Sex seems to be a hot topic. Women are comfortable telling me about their sex life. Or lack there of. I have no problem listening to the rants, fears or boasting. More often than not I hear references to their virginity or purity. Women are very blunt with me if they should be wearing a white dress or not. They feel that they are not allowed to wear white if they are not a virgin. I have always thought that this custom was a little interesting and wondered where it originated. Other topics of discussion are about the veil, the dad, and the last name. All of this wedding day talk has lead me to the point where I was curious about where some of our modern day traditions originated. The ceremony has evolved over the years and every couple in most western cultures decides, for the most part, on how they want their wedding ceremony to unfold.  

Every wedding day typically doesn't come about unless a proposal of marriage is given. Here in the United States we are accustomed to hearing about a young gentleman asking the father of the bride for her hand in marriage and then purchasing a ring and proposing on one knee his love and devotion with hopes that she will accept his hand in marriage. Where did the proposal originate? You may not be aware the this idea of a man proposing to the female is actually a relatively new idea.

“A millennium ago, in certain countries, a man kidnapped his bride-to-be from her family home. At other times, men were required to offer payment for their bride; conversely, a bride may have been expected to enter into a marriage with a dowry. There are also arranged marriages which are still practiced today in some cultures. Marriage proposals as we know them today, however, have also co-existed throughout the history of civilization, when a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage.” (Nicole Canfora, ehow)

“The idea of a woman’s consent to marriage (and also divorce) would be later implemented in the era of Roman civilization, but weddings and marriage proposals were still largely based upon the commercial value of a wife. Pragmatism was a general theme of marriages, and it would not be until the 1800s that personal inclination would begin to hold much sway in marriage decisions.” (Yalom 2001)
We have now progressed in a more civilized manner towards clearly making sure the bride and groom are making a conscious decision on whether their lives should join in marriage or not.

As the wedding day rapidly approaches, brides have to make a huge decision on what to wear. You would think the pressure to be a specific size or have a particular designer would be at the forefront of a modern bride’s mind. You would be surprised that the color of the gown plays a huge role in their decision. You may have heard that a bride who is a virgin should wear white to signify her purity. This assumption or old wives tale is (mostly) false. “A bride wearing white originated in 1840, when Queen Victoria married Prince Albert of Saxe wearing a white satin gown. In those days white was not a symbol of purity, blue was. In fact, many women chose the color blue for their wedding dresses for specifically that reason. White, on the other hand symbolized wealth.

-Queen Victoria

Since white wasn't generally chosen as the color in which to be married, Victoria's dress came as quite the surprise. Soon after, women of elevated social status all over Europe and America began wearing white wedding gowns as well. Some women still chose to get married in other colors, but the trend toward white was established.” (Donna Sundblad)
I want you to think about this: Why is there a modern tradition of wearing white as a symbol for purity?  Should the bride’s virginity be anyone’s business other than her own? What is it worth the public, or her family, that a bride stay "untouched" until her wedding night? Is she less of a woman or is she not loyal to her groom, if she is not a virgin? What about the groom? How is he to show all in attendance that he is a virgin?

When the processional begins, the bridesmaids find their places near the minister, groomsmen and groom. There is a hush over the guests as the bride reveals herself alongside her father. They make their way to the altar where the groom is waiting with tears in his eyes. The minister asks "Who is gives this woman to this man?". The Father of the Bride responds. "I do.".
I never thought about this short exchange before. What does it mean? Why does the father give his daughter away? I needed to know. “The father who "gives away" his daughter at her wedding ceremony is following an ancient tradition that has evolved over hundreds, if not thousands, of years. The custom dates back to the time when a daughter was considered property of the fathers. The groom had to pay a price to her family before he could be permitted to marry her.” (Bridalwhimsy.com)
The father would actually transfer ownership of his daughter to the groom with guests acting as witnesses to the contract. Over time, some countries have made it clear that they do not condone the act of “giving the bride away”. In Sweden it is actually forbidden.  Rev Eva Brunne, diocesan dean and assistant to Bishop of Stockholm Caroline Krook said about the father giving the daughter away: "This symbolizes that the father is the owner of the daughter and that he is giving her away to her new owner,"

(image)

A troubling trend that is still alive and well today is the an archaic idea that the daughter is under “protection” of her father. There are a few religious sects that teach that a father is to be head over his house, including his daughters. This father, who is claiming to be protecting his daughter from harm or heartache is acting as her conscience. He is the one to make the ultimate decisions on health and happiness for his daughter(s).  In reality, the father (or mother) is afraid that their daughter may "wander" off with a partner that they do not approve of, find a career,  or worse, leave the religion of the parents.  These young women are being taught that they are under their father’s authority, and that they must follow his will for them no matter what. “His commands are absolute, just as their obedience is to be absolute. By obeying their father, they are preparing for the time when they will similarly obey their future husbands. Furthermore, by staying at home rather than leaving the home to attend college or get a job, they are preparing to spend their lives as homemakers, as mandated by their gender.” (Libby Anne You will find this link very informative on the hierarchy family)
How can a young woman’s father know exactly what his daughter needs? Does the idea of a father having control over his family and children seem outdated to you? Do you think that a woman needs a man to protect her or watch out for her?
Some women who are very close with their fathers have decided independently that they will forgo the tradition of having their fathers give them away. Some brides have simply removed the rhetoric from their ceremony, while others have walked the aisle alone.
Another aspect of "giving away" the bride, is that it symbolized the transition of authority from the bride's father to her husband as she moved from the parental home to the conjugal home. Which is all too true in some modern homes today. The “traditional home” consists of a husband, wife and children. The husband is head over the home. He makes all of the “ultimate” decisions and directs the household. The wife is to be the husband’s "HelpMeet"/Helper while following the biblical principle that the wife must be happily submissive. Here is a sample of  a modern day submissive bride's vow to her husband:
"Bride: the Lord instructs me as the one who will be your wife to submit to you as unto Him. Our Father created woman to be man's helper. It is my desire and delight to follow this scriptural teaching. With all my heart I make this pledge to you."  Christian Vows

“The biggest problems I have with Christian Patriarchy are its emphasis women offering absolute obedience to their male authorities and its emphasis on strict gender roles. Christian Patriarchy fails to recognize the huge diversity within each sex, and pushes people into prescribed slots based on their sex rather than appreciating this diversity and seeing people as individuals first.
Now please be aware that the vast, vast majority of Christians do not hold to the teachings of Christian Patriarchy. In fact, many Christians actively fight against these ideas, arguing that they represent a fallen order of mankind and that Christ has ordained equality between the genders. However, it should be noted that even as some Christians fight these ideas others are unknowingly influenced by them, and that is what makes understanding the ideas behind Christian Patriarchy all the more important.” (Libby Anne)

I hope that we can understand that a woman is not defined by her virginity, her father or her husband. I desire that what we see in women are her accomplishments, her passions and her heart. I want our children to look at women as strong and able. What are ways that we can redefine the “roles” in our marriages? What are some traditions that you have noticed that are degrading toward women or men?
When you attend your next wedding, think about all of the outdated traditions and archaic rhetoric that surrounds the ceremony. But then, after that, make sure you enjoy the one day out of the couple’s lifetime they will truly be happy.  Then, get drunk.

For further reading on the subject:

History of the American Marriage
Brief History of Wedding Vows
Introduction to Christian Patriarchy
How to own your grown daughter
Sweden bans fathers giving their daughters away

Femo-what?

At 18 I attended a youth camp called Summit Ministries in Colorado. At this 2 week Conservaitive training camp I was being trained on how to be a Conservative leader. There were a plethora of speakers including Dr. Ron Nash, Mark Cahill, Dr. David Noebel, Dr. Francis J. Beckwith and more. At this camp we were taught many things, basically all of the "hot button" Conservative issues. There was a lot of emphasis on The United States' founding fathers. We were taught that this was a "Christian Nation" that has strayed from it's "godly roots". I enjoyed attending the camp because I loved meeting new people and it was nice feeling like I belonged to a "club". I didn't care if things sounded intolerant or cruel. Lessons were explained to me in a way that seemed enticing and and rebellious against "mainstream left propaganda". I love feeling like I am going against the "norm". My favorite speaker was Dr. Noebel. He was funny and cleaver. My fellow classmates and I would jot down his silly quotes and repeat them later at lunch or free time. Our preferred quote was "Put that in your pipe and smoke it". At one of our classes he was speaking on Feminism. He broke down feminism like this.
Feminism:
1.) Femo-Nazis = There are actually only 29 of them and they believe there are not enough abortions.
2.) Femo-Noids = We put one man on the moon, let's put them all there.
3.) Femo-Nists = All women are victims to men and their Christ is "Christa".

During those two weeks we were in classes for about 5 hours each day. At not one of these daily lessons were we given a definition of Feminism or Feminist. The Webster Dictionary defines Feminism as 1: The theory of political, economic, and social equality of the sexes. 2: Organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests.
One of the speakers, Dr. Nash, had this to say about Feminists: "Feminist theology contends that the historic Christian faith must be repudiated as a haven for patriarchal sexism that oppresses women even as "capitalism" according to the Marxist view oppresses the poor." -Nash pg 50 "Is Jesus the Only Savior." Dr. Nash also describes feminists this way; "feminists are actually angry at God/nature for creating them female. They believe that menstruation, child raising, birthing and pregnancy are shackles that they need to be liberated from. Birth control and abortions are their only liberation."

If you are unaware, I am a feminist and I am learning what it means to truly be a feminist. This is a very new concept for me. Growing up in a Conservative Christian family, I was never taught anything positive about Feminists or Feminism. It was simply the other "F" word. Women were to remain quiet and submissive. They would act foolish and had little to no control over emotions. Now that I am learning more about women, I feel empowered! Women empowerment was looked down upon in my upbringing. I am learning to recognize things in my life that are demeaning to women as will as misogynistic. I would encourage you to take a look back at your past and remember the lessons taught to you about women and gender roles as well as expectations for women and girls. The subjects are practically endless. I will touch on as many topics as I can in later posts. Today, I wanted to share with you this post I found online about the Twilight books. For the record, I am not a fan of the story or movies (of course, for reasons that aren't valid to this post :))
It was from a website that promotes "traditional gender roles in men and women". This was written by a Christian woman as praise to the characters portrayed in the Twilight series. "the [Twilight] saga portrays “traditional” roles for male and female at a time when it is highly counter-cultural to do so. Bella isn’t a male-kicking, karate-chopping, independent, domineering heroine. She’s gentle, soft, and vulnerable. Her character flies in the face of the tough-girl image that’s portrayed by most contemporary movies. I think young girls intuitively know that the prevalent portrayal of women as tough doesn't match who they are. The average teen senses that she’s not wired that way. She longs to be the princess in a traditional fairy tale romance. She wants to be a woman. And she wants a man to be a man. A young woman intuitively yearns for someone who will pursue her, protect her, and cherish her beauty and vulnerability. She yearns for a man to love her at a deep personal and emotional level—and not just a physical, sexual one. Regardless of culture's attempts at egalitarian brainwashing, the man of her dreams is still a strong, handsome prince charming who fights for her, and rescues her. He loves her, commits to her, and selflessly sets aside personal interest for the sake of her best interest." Mary Kassian (emphasis added).
These are the gender roles that I will later go into as much detail as I can to expose the ways in which they are unnecessary to a healthy life and relationships. I beg you to think for yourself: Where is the proof that women need a man to pursue her? Does a women need to have a man in her life to feel complete fulfillment? What is man rescuing women from?

Help me break these stereotypes!

somewhat entertaining website: "Feminism is Evil!"
Twilight Article
Dr. Nash speaking on Abortion and Feminism

Right to Love

Yesterday was huge. The first time in United States history a standing president affirmed same-sex couples, saying: “I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors, when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together; when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married,” President Barack Obama, May 9th 2012 ...

This broadcast on Good Morning America has sparked much debate. Those on the Right can't see past the potential political intentions to secure votes in November and the Left is proud, however, the President made sure to stress that this was his personal position, and that he still supports the concept of states deciding on this issue. Nevertheless, the President has proven time and time again in his administration that he supports same sex couples, from repelling Don't Ask Don't Tell, to signing the Hate Crimes act into law, to clearing the way for hospital visitation rights for same sex couples.
We have come a long way and still have barriers to break and stigmas to demolish. Much like the years leading up to The Civil Rights Movement in the 50's and 60's where African Americans were seen as lesser humans for being, well, black. We are witnessing same sex couples denied rights and being discriminated against for existing as well. Voting to decide if "rights" should be granted to another human is wrong. That is why they are called rights! Passing laws to protect religious groups who speak out against same sex couples is backwards and wrong! In April 2012, a Kansas bill called "Religious Freedom Act" passed 91-33. The bill states that Kansans cannot use religion to justify discrimination based on gender, race or ethnicity. However, sexual orientation or gender identification are not protected under this bill. An employer can not fire an employee because of their race, but, under the bill they will have the right to terminate employees if they discover their employee is in a same sex relationship. This is discrimination, is wrong and needs to change.

Needless to say, today, I am proud to be an American. I am optimistic that in my lifetime same sex couples will be allowed to wed or divorce like their straight neighbor. They can run to Vegas and elope, have a grand wedding in Napa Valley or throw a modern party in a Manhattan Penthouse on 5th Avenue.

There are many bridges to be built and mountains to climb before we reach equality. I will stand and support my LGBQT community until that day comes!! Watch this:    

Obama's Speech
Kansas Bill

New Views

It has been over a month now since I have began my journey down the dark road of non-religion. I am only joking about the dark road. It is more like the yellow brick road.

I have been communicating more with friends whom I haven't spoken with in a while and sharing with new friends and I have been extremely blessed with the reactions and support. I know I have wonderful friends when they are loving me and encouraging me through this, even if they don't know exactly why I am here at this point in my life. I think that is a true testament to someones character. I am optimistically excited to find out what will come next and how I will be received by more friends and family as the time progresses.
I also want to thank the following people for all of the amazing and kind words since my last blog (If I have forgotten you, don't take it personal. Thanks): Brian, Bri, Morgan, Danna, Amee, Emily, Jeremy, Katie and Nicole.

Stuck between a god and a hard place

So I turn 26 tomorrow and I feel like I am not any older. This was the quickest year ever. I can not believe it is almost Christmas. The boys have definitely grown and our little bunny is still adorable as always!
The amazing thing is that I have really changed in the past year. I am so different and I am sure everyone can see it. Not only have I put on nearly 20 pounds (not my proudest moment), but my views have shifted entirely.

Have you ever known anyone who is gay? You knew they were but they were afraid to tell everyone? They have that struggle with trying to tell certain people with out "disappointing" them or much worse, losing them and their friendship entirely. I can almost feel their struggles. I am not putting their struggles of coming out lightly however, I am in a point in my life where I need to "come out" of the skeptic closet.

I am not a christian anymore.

There, I said it.

I have struggled so long with telling my close friends and family.

I still haven't told everyone and there are at least 5 people I am terrified of telling. I almost want them to find out by reading this. Then they can not be so "shocked" when I tell them. What terrifies me is that I have been on the other side of this scenario. I have been the one to "gather the troops" and have everyone I know pray for this "lost soul". I know that judgment because I have been there among it. I have been the one judging. I was the one feeling sorry for that person and how horrible their life was to become for "letting go of god".

I can no longer hide behind a religion to rationalize my views. Everyone on this big blue planet should get along and refuse to accept ideals that limit the weak, poor, minorities and women. I have believed and prayed and prayed and prayed for my marriage to be this perfect little bubble of love and balance. And then it hit me, stop putting your energy in praying to a god that isn't doing anything and start trying to fix your marriage! I have never loved my husband as much as I do now. I no longer look at him and think "if only he was a STRONG man of the lord, our marriage and kids would be so perfect". I have friends who spend an hour a day praying for their family and friends. Why not spend that hour with your friend or family member? They would appreciate it much more!
I hardly get to see some friends and family members. I am off on Sundays. And since they have church services to attend they cannot see me and my kids. Aren't these services all about family?!?!

I am making new friendships and expanding my mind. I am willing to do things that I wouldn't have done before out of fear. It is an amazing feeling not living in fear of judgement or condemnation.

One more thing,

If you are my friend or family member: if you love me then it wont matter what I believe or choose not to believe.
Try not to ask "why?"..

LOVE - PEACE

UPDATE: November 16th 2011,

Just to clarify: the reason I have been so terrified to tell these specific 5 people is ONLY because of fear of disappointing them. I don't like disappointing people. These people have been huge in my christian life and relationship with god. So that is why it is scary for me. It is/was more about me being terrified and not about them judging me. I know judgement will come, but not from these 5 people.

Imagine if you had someone invest in your talent, like a coach, let's say you are a basketball player. They trained and encouraged you day in and day out. They were proud of your achievements, listened to your struggles, and comforted you when you cried. Then imagine, that you start to lose interest in basketball, It is just not for you anymore. It isn't all you thought it was going to be. It would be easy to tell other people who have not invested into you and your growth. You could even tell new friends and strangers easily. However, It would be very hard to tell your coach. Where do you even begin, and how do you say "I am not going to play basketball anymore." You can expect the response to be "but, why?!". How do you answer that tough question. Are you even ready to answer it?! The fear of the "why", the fear that your coach, who invested into you the most might be disappointed is paralyzing.

I hope this explains a little better my feelings. Love you guys!!

New Beginnings

originally written 6-7-11

I really want to express with you how I am trying to grow in who I am. I do not want to limit myself.
I guess that I am technically a heretic, but I don't care. I don't believe in heaven or hell. Well, at least not hell. I don't believe God answers prayer. He or she is just there. Different to everyone. We all see him/her differently and that is ok. I believe that no one knows the answer to life's questions. I believe that we all are inherently good but our culture, surroundings ruin us.

LIFE

I don't know exactly what I believe anymore and I don't really care.

In 2004, when I went to Summit Ministries in CO, I was so taken with the ideals of "conservativeism" (is that even a word). I really wanted to mold everything I was around that ideal. I thought that would make me a better person, at least better than any Democrat was. I thought that If I was louder and more articulate than my opponent I would always win in debate. There was a lot of finger pointing and name calling going on. I remember being so "on fire" about proving that Evolution was FALSE and that abortion was bloody murder. Did you know that every two seconds a baby dies to abortion. Well, that's what I was told at Summit. The main focus that I took with me was "Always know what you believe". Seems easy enough right?

It's not.

Don't get me wrong, I think Summit has some positive things, like, homemade peanut butter and the hike up Red Mountain. I have made some great friends that I still talk with today.

As the years have passed, 6 almost 7, I am finding my ideals are shifting (GASP, this is almost a sin.) I am realizing that being one-sided is wrong. I was young when I went to Summit, 18, and I was really excited to "soak" up everything they spoke about, even if it was blatantly anti-democrat or even insulting. I remember the jokes said about Al Gore and gays. As I look back I remember hearing a few times "get them while their young". This was their tactic. I wanted to fit in somewhere, anywhere. As most teenagers do. I would believe anything (within some reason).
I think of how this "camp" looks from the outside now. As I look back. It is a training ground for those who want to continue in the foot steps of Reagan or Bush. To continue in the republican legacy.
Do I want to follow a world figurehead?!

I don't know exactly what I believe anymore and I don't really care.

I am not worried that I should be "right" (no pun intended) all of the time. I am not anti-evolution, anti-choose, anti-gay rights, and anti-health care.
I do know, that I want equal rights for all, that gay or straight should marry whomever they wish. That ammo should cost $2000 a bullet and that we should have free health care and try to live in peace with other nations. There are a few more things that I do, and don't, agree with. But I will save your time and mine.

I am so over being "set" in my ways. I want to be a flex-acrat or a flex-ican (I like the way that sounds). I want to listen and learn from every religion. I don't want to be easily labeled.
But, If I am labeled I want to be called: "open-minded", "understanding" and "kind".

I will continue to grow and expand my mind. I may again subscribe to an ideology or a religion. But for the time being, I hope to love all, respect all and not hate.

Call me whatever you may.

Peace to you.